Neglect Tara

I'm always telling people around me; if you can't handle the responsibility of caring for a kid, don't plan for one, or if you don't even want to spend time with your kid, don't bother having one either. I'm the one who spoke these words, yet I'm the one who's guilty of all the above.

After I quit from my last job, I have had the chance to take care for Tara full time for almost 3 weeks. Remember I complained about being too busy and not having enough time for myself? So when my PILs came by, I totally washed my hands off Tara. I didn't bring her down for her morning strolls, didn't cook her lunch for her, didn't shower her, didn't even prepare her milk for her. To put it plainly, I didn't spend any time with her at all. Instead, I hid myself in the room playing PS II, reading, sleeping. When Tara walked into the room looking for me, I told her to go out and look for her grandparents instead. I didn't bother to even talk much to her. At that time, I thought it's justifiable, since I've take care of her for so many days already, it's time for me to take a rest.

I started my new job after more than a week of "rest". And at night, when I reached home, I would be watching TV or doing my own stuff. I don't give Tara the kind attention I used to. When Tara tried to get my attention, she would get on my nerves instead, and I would tell her to go look for her grandparents. So for quite a while, I almost totally neglect her. And when I do give her my attention, it's usually negative. A spanking, a punishment or a scolding from me.

After a week, I realised Tara getting clingy to my MIL, which is not normal. And it finally hit upon me that I'm the cause of it. I'm the one who pushed her away. I got really upset when Tara cries for my MIL instead of me. She resisted and bawled when I tried carrying her from my MIL arms. She prefer my MIL to me.

But still, I didn't do anything about it. Selfishly, I only care for myself, and my precious little "me" time.

Last week, Bob told me he's going outstation yet again, my FIL will be going back home and my MIL will be going to Genting. So for one whole week, I had to take care of Tara alone. Myself. There's no one to "push" the little girl to when I reach home from work. I totally freaked out! I don't think I can handle Tara alone anymore. She's getting really pesky and very cranky, especially these 2 weeks (since I began neglecting her, I realised). I can't imagine the nights when no one is around and I have to face her tantrums myself.

I wasn't too happy. In fact, I was quite depressed.

The first night Tara and I were alone, it didn't went well. She got spanked, scolded and punished. But all these escalated her cries and tantrums instead. I don't know what to do, I got really upset and ignored her instead. I left her in the room, and went out to the hall, sat in the dark and tried hard to hold back my own tears. I don't know how to handle the situation. She came out after a while, stood beside me and bawled till she was so tired and laid her head on the sofa to sleep.

I hate myself for treating her badly.

So the next day, I went back to my usual methods of parenting. Lots of patience and no spanking.

I kept my mood calm and tried explaining rather than just snapped whenever she got unreasonable. It worked pretty well. I even brought her out for lunch and to the library and she behaved quite well too. I find myself enjoying the time I spent with her and my mood was really good for the whole day. She still have her tantrums at night but I managed to keep her under control and bed time was a breeze. I realised the reason for her bad behaviour might be caused by me, so I decided I should change my bad behaviour too.

It will be another 5 days before Bob comes back. But I'm sure I can handle Tara by myself now.

Now I just pray and hope that I don't slip into bouts of depression again.