Dejected

I'm still trying to get used to taking care of Tara full time. It's a totally different, absolutely overwhelming experience for me. I've had taken care of Tara full days before, but that was only for a day or at most, a couple of days. It's been more than a week now. And I can't say it's very enjoyable for me. But I have to admit that it can be rather fulfilling at times.

When I was still working, Tara's bad behaviour wasn't tolerated and she would either get a smack on her thigh or she would be punished by standing in a corner. But it wasn't that easy to do the same every single day. I realised she's displaying some bad habits, which unfortunately, are what we have been doing unknowingly all the time.

Nowadays, she will smack me back (and guess where she learnt that from!), whenever she's angry with me and she's getting better at it as the day goes. Recently, she realised that hitting me on my face and pulling my specs down at the same time is really fun, cos she can get Mummy's undivided attention, coupled with huge amounts of irritation and anger. I smacked her hard, real hard. And soon, I realised that inflicting pain is really a bad idea. And she's learnt the bad habit of hitting me too. In a way, I've indirectly taught her that hitting is okay, cos Mummy's doing it!

So, I decided to try another method. I used a totally calm and very uninterested (remember she's getting attention) tone and tell her not to hit Mummy and to say sorry. She used to come up to me, stroke me on my arm and hug me, that's her way of saying sorry. But now, she will hit me again and again and again. I would give her a warning and when she refused to heed, I made her stand in the corner. And for now, a warning will usually suffice. She will protest a little and stopped her bad behaviour.

I used to feel anger when she hit me. But now I feel dejected, sad and useless. I wonder why my baby will hit me, I'm suppose to be the person she loves most. It really breaks my heart when she does that. Sometimes I do wonder if she hates me. I wonder if I'm using the right method to discipline her. I even wonder if I'm the right person to take care of her? Or maybe, to console myself, she might be at the terrible two phase and thus, the bad tantrums and behaviour, and it's gonna go away soon. Or will it?

I have been having so many negative thoughts recently. Maybe staying home is a bad idea after all. Or maybe I still need time to get used to it?

MIL will be coming this Friday. Yeah, quite disappointed that I'm still wasn't able to take care of her fully by myself. I had thought that I can do that for a month before my PILs comes back again. I didn't expect, nor I really like the idea of her coming earlier than she used to. But then again, since she's here, I might as well take the opportunity to take a breather.

I plan to drop Tara off at 3rd aunt's place this Sunday, since MIL will be there till next Monday, and drive myself to Orchard road for some time alone. Shopping, coffee, reading or just walking along the road. Whatever. I'm going to do things by myself. Yeah, just me only. I hope I will feel better then.